Note, I started this post yesterday, but wasn't able to finish it until today....
The boys are off watching football at a friend's house and Fifi is sleeping in the stroller downstairs. the two of us just got back from a huge walk where she dozed off only a minute before pulling back into the driveway. It was a much needed hour of outside, "stretch your legs and breathe" time, something I have been greatly missing over the month of September.
Somewhere along the path, she dropped her newest lovie. We did a u-turn and headed back the way we came. I was about to give up hope that we would find the blanket, when I spotted a man holding it. I yelled to him, and he was so happy to have found me to give it back. Probably not as happy as I was though to have found him. I sometimes wonder who is more attached to the kids' lovies, what is it about them that we hold on to so dearly as a parent?
I should be working on a job application that is due on Wednesday, but I needed this time to write. Time to journal and get my head clear of what has been happening over the past month. Life is whooshing past at warp speed. I hate saying that, and I really don't like living it. It is the reality of things right now. I am working (grateful to have a job, I should be), but working an hour away from home four days out of the week.
I know plenty of people commute this far all the time. But I have never had to go more than 15 minutes to get to my office or go to school. The longest regular drive was while growing up in rural northern Nevada- two hours to "town" once or twice a month to restock the pantry or squeeze in a doctor's visit.,That was different and canceled out by the fact that I could walk anywhere in my small home town in less than ten minutes.
I have never, save for the one month I spent abroad in Spain, have been this tired, I mean exhausted to the core. I have been getting up at the crack of dawn (often, with only a few hours sleep due to a restless, separation anxiety ridden, teething, gassy mess of a one year old) and leaving the house before anyone is stirring for the day. I don't get home until dinner is half way made and the kids and husband are patiently waiting for my return. I am hoping to find an adjustment to this new schedule, but better yet, a new schedule to this new schedule would probably be better.
I can't say enough about my husband these days. He has stepped things up more than I ever expected. I mean, I knew he could handle the morning routine and the nightly rhythm, but I never thought he would do so in such stride. He proves to me over and over and over again that I made a wonderful choice when I said, "I do".
I also have to give props to my mom. She has been helping out a ton with the kids. There have been a few evenings where neither of us could get home in time to swoop them away from day care. She has also helped with the dog when we have had a late morning house showing and needed to have the dog off premises while potential buyers look around the property. She has kicked it up a notch, once again, for us and I don't think I could thank her more for her help.
I am savoring the evenings I have with the kids as well as my Wednesday off with them. It is the break in the middle of the week that I need. Even though it is tempting, I usually keep the computer and TV turned off on this day. I try to keep us busy, but not so busy that we don't enjoy each other. But mostly I sort of dream of a time when "my Wednesday off" could be my "every day".
With all of this right now, we have been able to squeeze in some fun. There have been weddings, an amazing photography class and just last weekend we found ourselves in the heart of San Francisco soaking in views of the golden gate bridge and learning at the Exploritorium. The kids had a blast of a time and so did we.
I know nothing is permanent and everything changes, so I am going to try to take this chapter for what it is. I will continue to thank those that are supporting us, loving, listening and helping us with things right now. For not judging us for the situation(s) we are in with lost jobs, and a pending move to a new home.
Being grateful is the most important, and best choice I can make.
Much like the lovie-blankie that we lost yesterday on the walk, I know that 'normal' will be found again. Maybe all this is a little side-street turn off on the hunt for the comfort of normal. Maybe, all along, the thing I thought I lost along the way is really right there, waiting for me to recognize it. I just have to push through the fog and really open my eyes.
