30 days of Gratitude

11-1-12: Thankful for the light. 

Metaphorically and literally.

I am not going to lie, the past few months have been very hard on me. They shouldn't have been, we are finally settling in to our own space, work is steady and not too over bearing, I have co-workers who make me laugh, make me run my ass off and up giant hills, the kids are healthy, Fifi is finally starting to sleep through the night, A. and I are healthy. But, there has been a serious storm brewing in my head. I find myself in a place where I sometimes can't breathe, where my heart feels like it is sinking into my toes. I want to run away or hide in the closet. And at the same time I feel like I need to scream and be so loud that no one can ignore me, so that I can't ignore myself. 

Everything that has happened in the past year is finally catching up with me. You don't just loose a job, your house, almost loose your mother in-law and then watch your grandmother fade to the other side and not have emotions. I was just so busy keeping things "normal" that I hadn't let the emotions surface or be acknowledged.

It is because of all of this that I am going to participate in 30 days of gratitude this month. I am making a point to see, photograph, and state those things I am thankful for. It is an exercise in positive reinforcement. I am going to make seeing the good a habit (again). I know I have so much to be thankful for, more then I ever dreamed I would have.

Maybe all of this is too much information. Maybe you didn't come here to read about the ick. But you know what, it's real. it's part of what is going down and I plan on turning it around. BIG TIME.
Maybe it is because I will be turning 35 next month, maybe it's because, as Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "When it is dark enough, you can see the stars"
I am ready to see the stars.
I am ready to move bravely through, up and and past it all.

So here we go, will you join me?