Wordy

I am sharing some words and a fun new iPhone app over on Mortal Muses today. I photo might be worth a thousand words, but words get to shine a little bit here too.

Film Friday

When you find your joy, go for it.

don't be affraid to get your hands dirty, you might just learn something.

Seek the light and the light will find you.

 

(Top two shots taken with my Polaroid 100 using the Fuji film. Bottom shot taken with my SX-70 using Impossible film)

If you found your way here via Mortal Muses, Hello! and thank you for stopping by.

rustle and hush

Rhythm, back and forth, back and forth,
rustle and hush, rustle and hush.
I hear the whistle of her bottle as the milk ,
disappears, drips down the side of her mouth.
Sometimes she hums her way to sleep,
much like her brother did,
does.
rustle and hush, rustle and hush.
tonight she is silent.
Only asking for a few strands of my hair
to tangle between her not so chubby anymore toddler fingers.
rustle and hush, rustle and hush.
The air has cooled, we have cranked open the windows
closed the air conditioning down for the day.
tick, tick, tick, teeeeeeee.
the neighbors lawn being watered
cotton wood and oak in the back of my throat
as the
curtains breathe and the lawn is tickled dry
rustle and hush, rustle and hush.
diurnal winds will soon grow still, just as the
feet down the hall who suddenly take flight and make a bump onto the bed,
will settle in to a final book.
rustle and hush, rustle and hush.
light, dim, dark
rustle and hush, rustle and hush.
evening slips into tomorrow
tomorrow slips into tonight
we recite our favorite moments,
kiss foreheads and say, "i love you"
rustle and hush, rustle and hush, rustle and husssssh.

you + me

Happy love day.

to my husband,

Me + You
=
Love

your my favorite.
xo

Believe

Merry Christmas EVERYONE!
Here is to a beautiful holiday.

200:365, swim

I sit waiting for the phone to ring, for an email to come in, for something.

Three full weeks I have been home, getting paid to test run being a stay at home mom.
I am anxious as all get out today, hoping to hear the final decision that my current employer will make.
My heart and chest periodically get tight- like the feeling right before the roller coaster takes you over the hump and down the enormous drop.
Perhaps it is a similar excitement that is building inside of me- I am on the roller coaster of life and this is just one of the drops that takes you into the loop, turning everything upside-down and your stomach inside-out.
Challenging my perspective, my point of view.

Challenging who I believe I am.

On Wednesday, as I sat on the edge of the dock looking across Donner Lake, I had the saying,
"Do one thing everyday that scares you." running through my head.
That is when I realized I had already done that, I stood up for what I think I deserve. I put out the facts and spoke even though my voice shook.
But after that, I knew I wasn't through with fright for the day.
So I went off and did a second thing that scares me.
The water that is made up of snow run off from Donner Summit.
Ironically,  the lake is one of the only places I could think of that would make things seem normal and calm.
But the frigid water is a scary thing to plunge into no matter how 'local' you think you are.
What I really needed was to wash it all away,
to clean the mental slate from the mornings confrontation
and to snap myself out of the broken record that was running through my mind.

Finally, I jumped into that cold, mountain water.
You know what, it wasn't as cold as I thought it would be.
It was however, every bit as refreshing as I had hoped.
 I am taking that as a signal of things to come.
All this stuff that is scaring the shit out of me right now won't be as bad as I am making it in my mind,
the waters won't be as frigid.
Heck, it might even work out to be a million times better and more refreshing than jumping in a lake on a hot summer day.

172:365, handle with care

a reminder.

do something about it

"All that you need to have all that you want, Vanessa,

will be provided, as if by magic, once you know what

you want and do something about it every day.

No matter what,
The Universe"

Thank you Universe...
I knew you were listening and would have the right words for me.
xo,
vanessa

...and thank you all for your comments and emails.
You people have no idea how much it means to me.
And you see that door up there?
 it's opening wide- I just have to walk through it.

frozen in time

When I see an old car like this I get nostalgic. I wonder where it has gone, what adventures it has been on and what roads it has traveled. I wonder what conversations it has heard, what songs blared on the radio and if there was ever a bucket of paint that was spilled in the backseat. (Yeah, that happened to my car once. An entire gallon of paint tipped and spilled everywhere as I headed home from the Depot). I wonder if it had giggling children bouncing around in the backseat or a shaggy dog hanging from the window with a smile on its face.
Do you think the car knows it's old? Or does it feel fresh, new and special because someone has taken the time to see the beauty in its curves, shiny face and sweet hub caps? Obviously, someone doesn't mind that they have to crank the windows up and down. Or the fact that they actually have to use a key to unlock the doors.
I wonder these things, as I sit filling out job applications and writing cover letters. As I search for a possible new career, I feel frozen in time. I am frozen in fear of being out of date and 'vintage' in skills and abilities.
But, maybe someone will see what I see in this 'car'. If I take the time to buff and shine my resume and really see what I know and have learned in the past 10 years. I can be just like this car if given the chance. I might just feel new and fresh at a different desk, in a new city.
Maybe that fresh start, just like new orange paint, (ironically named, "bitter sweet") will be just what I need to feel awesome again.
Part of me is so comfortable in the place I am at right now. Even though I am not always challenged or happy, I know what my duties and what is expected of me during the year. But the other part of me is excited and grateful for the push of a possible layoff. It is forcing me to look into other opportunities that I otherwise wouldn't have given a second glance. It is forcing me to evaluate myself and my skills and put down on paper what I know.
I am sure there will be some bugs splattered on the windshield as I head down this new road. If I can get past the fear driving stick shift again, grinding the gears as I move from reverse to first gear; I know I will love the feeling of letting my hand hang out the window and pressing my foot firmly on the gas, as I drive towards a new adventure.
~~~~
Speaking of adventures, we just returned from one that involved sand, ocean mist and lots of giggles. Stay tuned...

weekending...

So I'm not sure about the past week's photos. But here goes anyway... I lent my dad in law my 50mm lens, because I knew he would love it and make the jump to buy one if he put it on his new camera body (he does and I called it!). But, it is a challenge for me to slap a different lens on my camera and shoot. I didn't realize how dependent I had become on that pretty little thing. I can see the difference in my shots- These are blown and over exposed. I think it is a really good chance for me to learn something about photography doing this. But can someone PLEASE help me understand why my photos are so, um, 'tinny" or metallic and contrasty. I messed with them in post processing, but I feel like I am just missing something. The fiddy just doesn't act like this...

He starts asking me on Monday if it is Friday yet- he knows Ms Dana keeps suckers behind her desk on Fridays.. I wasn't sure about the candy stuff at first, but really, it's a fun tradition and he is learning the days of the week while we are at it...

I think I have mentioned before how I am really loving Pinterest? I do. It is such a cool place for me to toss inspiration, ideas and recipes while I am out surfing the web. The past couple of days I noticed a ton of activity on my board called, "So sweing this for the kids" I couldn't figure it out, that is until I went to the Staff Favorites page. My board is a staff pick! I am flattered and totally stoked that my collection has captured the eye of others. There are so many great tutorials out there for making kid stuff, what an honor.

Our roomie suggested sushi last night. What fun to make our own.. We were stuffed!

I am going through some real soul searching right now. There are possible huge changes in the works for this little family of ours and if the state of my neck and shoulders (hello knots and kinks and pain) are any indication of how frazzled I am on the inside then I am in trouble. I think a lot of times I can hide my worry (or maybe not?) that I can put out a really positive and 'life will be okay' energy. But to be honest and candid, I am scared to pieces about what is going to happen to us in the next few months.
Right now, I feel like the lost set of keys that are hiding at the bottom of my purse. I feel like the bag is being shaken and shuffled for signs of the 'jingle' the keys might make, and I feel like at any minute the hand bag could get dumped upside down on the floor, contents strewn about and sorted in search of the lost keys.
I can't figure out if this is a good or bad thing. OR if it is neither good nor bad, it just is. And really, that is probably what it is- it just IS. But figuring out how to process, to deal and to make a plan is really scary and hard. It's going to take some huge leaps of faith, some soul searching and some compromise before we are done.

It was my bestie's birthday last week (she's on the right). So we got together today for brunch. I love these girls. There is something special about friends that you have had since forever and a day. We giggled, we were near tears, we had a pitcher of mimosas, yummy food and Fifi threw stuff on the floor faster than we could hand things to her.  xoxox girlies- you have no idea how much you three mean to me.

Earlier this week I got an email in my inbox. It was the news letter from the Organic Sister, Tara. In it was a link to purchase her new e-book, Digging Deep. I let the email sit and sit, but by the second day I couldn't stop thinking and wondering about this e-book. I have loved Tara's writing on her blog since I found her and more than once her posts about unschooling, RVing or just living the life you imagined have brought me to tears. I wondered if this offer in my inbox might be something that I needed. A message from the Universe, a tool box for all the possible changes that are headed our way. I purchased the book and started listening to Tara's words (she has audio of the book for those of us who are audio learners... I told you she was smart). Within a few sentences I was in tears and knew I needed to make time for this in my life.... I hope to share some of this journey with you all as I work my way through the process.... thanks for sticking with me these next few months, I have a feeling I might need some support as my journey unfolds a bit more.

much love... V~

what's the haps?

So I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.

I keep hearing myself say, "I don't have the time."

And you know what, that makes me nuts.

Because a lot of what I keep saying I don't have time for are those very things I want to be doing. 

I read a quote somewhere (probably over here)

"If it really matters to you, you will make time"

or something to that effect (or is affect? I never know..)

Anyway, it struck me..

kid smiles with everything she's got, mouth, cheeks, eyes and even her nose.

Last weekend I had a bit of physical purging.. let's just say I enjoyed celebrating my in-law's 40th (YES, 40th woot!) wedding anniversary with the rest of the family a little too much- but after walking around like a zombie all day, recovering from one of the worst hang-overs I have had in more than 4 years, 

I realized that maybe I needed that 'purge' in a way.

Trust me when I say (and please don't judge me over the fact that I drink, drank, drunk- I have been beating myself up plenty over this),  

I could have done without the ick all day, and the fact that I couldn't eat until about 4pm,

but stick with me here....

I have been feeling really stuck and the light bulb came on over my (very) hung over head-

the words of my yoga teacher came to mind -

release what isn't serving you any longer, breathe in what is.

She doesn't fly and I cried as she walked into the station, rolling her little red bags behind her.

To start, I decided to evaluate where my time goes during the day and start to clear some space. 

Looking around the house, I realized I have a ton of crap overflowing from my closet, dresser drawers, desk, kitchen cupboards etc, etc, etc.. and all over the place.

I need to sort through all that stuff,

keep what I really love, what fits with where I am (physically and mentally) 

and get rid of the rest.

she thinks it's hysterical to grab the cords to the PlayStation controllers as he plays Fifa Soccer. such a funny little moment I caught here.

Second, take a look at where I put energy that really isn't necessary.

I have decided to quite facebook. GASP!

It is sort of funny to read the reactions, some super supportive, others totally blown away that I could do this or would want to.

But really, I am sick of finding out things about friends or family that I should be hearing first hand,

either in person or even over the phone- not reading it on facebook.

So if you follow me out there, my account closes on Friday-

drop me an email, give me call, stop by the house-

I need the real connection with my peeps.

This fuels me and keeps me going. It's been fun out there,

but also what really I need, is one less place to 'stop' by while out online.

I am teaching again. once a week for 45 minutes at work. It's a quick lunch time practice through the wellness program. A perfect ease back into it all I think.

Third, I am toying with the idea of only updating my flickr account once a week, maybe twice.

And perhaps thinning out my contacts- same thing with my blog roll.

Today I was out on google reader and went from almost 500 entries to 3 with a click of a button-

 holy S people, that was LIBERATING.

LIBERATING!

I am still following a ton of blogs, but I needed to clear that reading list out for me to not feel like I was trapped or missing out on something if I didn't read it right away.

I was also inspired by this post and the little computer program she talked about that actually shuts you out of the Internet for a give amount of time.

I thought, why do I need the computer to do that?

Why don't I just do that for myself....

He was WILD the other night, so we all went out for a quick walk around the hood to burn off some energy. It was the best idea Daddy had all day!

Yes, I think this is what I need. I will keep you posted on my progress. I know it won't all happen over night. That I will probably fall back into old habits and ways and then snap back to this idea of cutting back. My blog roll will be stacked back up with unread blog posts.  

I am sort of hooked on pinterest right now too, so I am going to have to figure that one out- BUT, but, but, I feel really good about this whole idea.

I want to make time for my sewing, for my cooking, for my kids and my husband.

For my friends and the rest of my family. Real, face to face time- not I think this is what (s)he meant when they posted this or that...

 

I want to keep taking pictures and documenting my life- that is really why I continue to keep this space, without it my kids wouldn't have a baby book.

So I will have to come back to evaluate what is and isn't working with all of this.

Tuning, adjusting and re-evaluating... but isn't that what life is all about?

Let's see where this takes me, shall we?

keep calm

I have been a little anxious with all the news of what is happening in Japan right now. I am so sad for all the loss. The nuke melt down business had me in near panic yesterday. What kind of a world have I brought my children into?
This is the sort of thing that had me thinking long ago that I didn't want to have kids, because how could I bring another generation into the world with such scary things happening in/to it?

But my husband reminded me that maybe one of our kids will have the answers, that maybe they will invent a way to make it better... Thank goodness for him, oh and for yoga. For the fact that I feel better when I am on the mat and when I leave the mat. For the ability to send good vibes, well wishes and positive energy to those who need it oh so badly right now.  Thank goodness for little reminders of keeping calm...and carrying on.

hills and valleys : week 2 of 52

As I move from second to third trimester, I watch as my tummy gets larger and the movements from within become more visible to the outside world. We are still sifting thru name possibilities. I feel like I need to connect a little more to this babe to know what will fit. Maybe a little yoga this weekend during O's nap will help.

MrO has taken to saying, "Mummie's tummy. HI baby!" and giving me a little pat pat along with a giggle or three. He also has taken to asking if Daddy ha a baby too. It cracks me up. Little does he know how things will change in just a few short months. I worry a little that he will not adjust well or that we have spoiled him in only child-ness over the past 21 months. But I have to let that go and just know believe that he is going to be a sweet (yet bossy) older brother to this new baby.

A weekly update, I will include this in my weekly self portrait shot because I not only want this to be a visual journal of my year, but a written one as well.

I am feeling a little lost in my work place. There are a lot of changes (budget cuts and layoffs) and my motivation for the work I once loved seems to be fading. I am struggling with being happy that I have a job and, for the most part, freedom to make/take the position in whatever direction I choose. But at the same time feel a bit overwhelmed (or perhaps underwhelmed?) with the open-endedness and lack of direction/support from those in charge. I am stuck between wanting to do something else and wondering if that something else is just me doing a "Grass is greener" scenario. How do you find the balance between reaching for your dreams and wishing your days away?

We disconnected the Dish and have been TV free for a week or so now. My laptop also caught a nasty virus and so was in the shop. I have it back, but haven't plugged it in for a few days. This meant having to go upstairs to surf or play on the computer and it took a bit of the ease out of it and has left the living room quite. Thus giving me some of my off line time back. I like that.

Due to the unplugging, I have found my knitting rhythm again. I am working on a Pebble vest for O and hope to find a yarn I like to cast on for the Tea Leaves cardigan for myself. I also have a few dish/wash rags in progress for mindless knitting here and there. I also hope to find my way into the sewing area for a bit of fabric therapy sometime soon. I have a queue FULL over on My Sewing Circle and I am itching to start a project or 5.

Daddy-O's cousin and her family will be staying with us this weekend. It should be a nice visit. They have twin girls that are just a few months older than O. The in laws are coming over for dinner tomorrow night and we have been cleaning and readying the house in chunks each night after work. Pizza, homemade ice cream, sidewalk chalk and bubbles are on the agenda.

I hope you all have a beautiful weekend.

Lucky Seven

photo scanned from our wedding day pictures. I can't seem to find the guys card who did them...
~
Seven years ago, we made it official.
Still happy I kissed that kiss.
Continually surprised and entertained by him.
Amazed at the pair we have become, beyond my dreams.
Really, I had no expectations for a married life-
but if I had he would have blown them all away.

can you taste it?

Can you?
It's almost summer time.
I am ready
bring on the ice cream trucks
the splashing of water
the shorts and skirts and tank tops
bring on the flip flop or bare feet
the sunblock and the freckles
bring on the lazy afternoons with a good book
the grilling in the park or back yard
bring on the beer with a squeeze of lime (or fizzy water in my case)
the boccie ball and the horse shoes
bring on the smell of sage and pine trees
the fireworks and parades
all of it, I am ready.
are you?
~~~
I'm ready because I am feeling like I need that sunshine on my face and the time outside with my family and friends. I am ready because it will be the last summer I spend with just three of us in the family, a bitter sweet transition to a family of four. As I feel Deuce-baby kicking away and moving ever higher into my ribs I know that this summer, our 7th summer of marriage holds magic and transition- I was writing in my journal last night wondering if 7 is a magical number for things other than just life (you know how you go thru giant transitions every 7 years of your life) is marriage like that?

We celebrate our wedding anniversary on Monday (actually tomorrow afternoon/night so we can catch a movie and dinner date, maybe some bowling and a hop in the photo booth too). I am in awe of the family we have become. There is a rhythm about us that I enjoy and find wonderfully comfortable.

I guess this post is all over the place, but I have had these things on my mind. Being Friday I am spent from the week and need to get these thoughts into words on a page. As always, thanks for reading.

xo

from the archives

punk rawk baby- from the archives, originally uploaded by NessieNoodle.

One year ago today... punk rawk baby.
so much has changed but so much is the same- I actually did his hair like this this morning, not even thinking about this photo~
He is such a 'kid' now, and not really a baby these days. It makes me a little sad, but I am loving to watch the person he is becoming. A strong, smart and silly kid with a big heart. Willing to give sweet puckered lip kisses if I ask and snuggle on the couch while he drinks his milk and me my tea in the morning while we wake up with the sun.

God I love this kid.so.much.

~~~~

I am feeling 100-million-trillion times better. I am eating again (those antibiotics really did a number on my already sensitive tummy) and have energy back. Though I did take a nice little 1.5hr nap yesterday after a morning full of running around town for a new toilet seat, dog food, face lotion/wash- all fueled by my new favorite s-bucks hot chocolate. (they recently changed their teas and now the chia that was once my absolute favorite go to drink is GROSS- do hear that Starbucks? GROSS!).

Thanks for all your well wishes, I really do mean it when I say they helped.

I haven't touched my camera in over a week. it makes me a bit scared that I have totally lost my photo mojo, that maybe this creative phase is over and done. I hope not. I just need to pick her up again, but I needed this break and I am glad I am allowing myself to work thru it.

xo friends.

What's Your Story

I could listen to stories from StoryCorps all day. Each story brings joy to my heart and tears to my eyes.


If you were to record a story for this project, what would it be?

put on your happy face.

Sometimes it is so much better to just shut your mouth and/or walk out of the room when you are the odd duck at the party. Otherwise things get awkward, you start doubting your values, your truths, your believes. Sometimes just putting on that happy face and knowing that in a different circle, you aren't alone in believing that a woman's body is an amazing and strong thing, that it knows just what to do with the new life it is carrying inside. That a mother's instinct is strong and that having a little compassion even if it means a little less connivance is okay. And most importantly if something feels right, if you feel it in your gut that this is the best thing for you or your family to hold your head tall (not your nose) to breathe slowly and have confidence. Otherwise it is all to easy to fall from that wall, to be a million little pieces of uncertainty and of doubt, and no one, not all the kings horses or all the kings men can put you back together again.

Autumn

I inhale cool of the morning air
Watch as streaks of gold
brighten in your hair as if
lightened by peroxide and summer sun.
Is that a new shade of lipstick,
when did your shadow get so tall?
I watch as you play strip tease
with the summer's foliage
down to the bare bones of winter.
I breathe in the crisp exhale of night .

Don't Forget...

just a little weekend reminder.



happy Friday peeps.


Don't you just love how the C is a moon? And those little stars on there too?
right up my alley I tell you.